“Subject: Hi

Heres an idea call in sick tomorrow…grabs drinks,some steaks,sunscreen… lay out by the lake all day & barbecue… better yet thats an order lady!!”

WTF???

Lately, I have been receiving introductions emails from guys. These emails have been uninspiring and quite the “turn-off.” Needless to say, I have not responded. Here are a few. Do they inspire you?

1) [This guy looked at my profile a good 15 times, but had never written.]  ”wow can we chat than meet i have been reading ur profile for awhile. how r u?”   

            * No punctuation or sentence structure

            * Chat than meet…..so this is a comparison? I’m glad that you felt the need to specify the order of things!

            * Been reading my profile for a while…..did it take you months to get thru it? …and another few months to have enough energy to respond?

2) “hey how are you doing? how was your day? did you do anything fun and exciting?

            * Uninspiring, generic responses like this …blah! Probably “cut and paste” format. If I take the time to write someone, I am always sure to read their profile and let them know why I am interested or what caught my attention.  These types of messages do not really show a sincere interest.

            * It was a Monday night. Don’t most people work on Mondays? Did I do anything fun and exciting? Hmmm…..

            * Asking me how was my day usually implies that we know each other [right?] and we don’t!

3) How r u sexy? [really?]

            * Am I supposed to answer that? Is that your best effort to impress me? I just don’t find this classy or respectful.

TEXT MESSAGES:

In addition to introduction messages, I have received interesting text messages as well. There was a particular individual, a geologist and quite the nerd [which I find to be very attractive.] We had an amazing 2.5 hour conversation and I was very interested in getting to know him better. Then it went downhill after a text conversation:

Him: Are you the cuddly type…Haha…you look it…lol. [I look cuddly? Does that mean chubby or was he trying to turn the textation (conversation via text) to a physical one?]

Him: Do you change your hair color often?

Me: No, not at all. Do you stick your tongue out often? [Every photo of him has his tongue sticking out!]

Him: LMAO [I hate this word/expression!!! Overkill!] … it depends, Lol its my frat thingy…you like? No?

Me: Kind of eliminated the ability to see your face, if that’s what you’re going for…

Him: Haha… my face is my face, my tongue is my tongue….lol i have other pics on fb. Change of subject…lol do you kiss on the first date?

Me: Not a question you should really ask… depends on vibe & chemistry. Do you?

Him: Mee too i guess…and if she doesnt have herpies…lmoa

***Am I supposed to laugh here? Apparently I am supposed to laugh my ass off (lmoa)! Is having herpies funny? Uggg… this guy is not grown up. Apparently he is still stuck in his college frat and doesn’t want to grow up! I’m done with this…. so I don’t respond.

Him: [An hour later] You went silent on me….

Me: Just getting ready for bed.

Him: Oh sleep well then mami…

***Mami? Are you supposed to be my papi or something? No thanks! I just didn’t respond. I’m kind of rude that way. Once I’ve had enough or I feel a man is not being classy or respectful, then …. peace out! I never respond after that. I know it’s rude, but I just don’t want to deal with it.

Me

“looking to meet a nice woman for fun and great timesto start off, no uptight or very busy women need to reply, life is very short so let’s have fun. I am a private person, who enjoys a lot of different music and i love to be outdoors when possible at all times.”

That is hilarious…busy women need not reply! He only wants lazy, unemployed women who lack motivation and goals? God forbid someone be busy! lol! Wasn’t there a Bible verse that said something about idleness being a bad thing? This guy should write: Christian man seeks idle woman!” (Nice irony there.)  He likes to be outdoors though…maybe sitting in a lawn chair with a beer so as to avoid possible “busyness”?

Mr. Idle wrote to me:

“ i just moved from St Paul, if i would have seen you, i probably would have stayed lol”

Oh how sweet, we could have sat around and been “not busy” together! Looks like I really missed out!

Beast has an associate degree and his profession is listed as: Ake me. Glad he has spell check. Aren’t we in the year 2011? He typed his profile from his phone? Not an excuse, phones have spell-check too these days.  Beast’s interests:  Love to do about anything. He doesn’t love to do anything; he doesn’t love to do just about anything; he loves to do about anything! Awesome! He was an experienced online “dater” and commented on his experience:

“I had good luck on here twice but no one is perfect so here i am trying to find the closes one to it. “

No one is perfect….is this your way of saying that your previous dates were messed up, imperfect women (or at least you thought they were?) I’m so glad to hear that you are back out on this site looking for perfection, or how did you put it so eloquently….the closes one to it? Thank God for us single ladies!

“I really hate trying to type about my self.”  (Note the “my self” written as two words, glad that associate degree is really working out for you!) I have noticed this trend in many profiles. Men seem to think that it makes them look modest and humble when they say that they hate writing about themselves. I think that it makes them look like they have nothing to say, no hobbies, no beliefs, no likes or dislikes, maybe no education, no conviction and no self-confidence.  I have often noticed that these same men are the ones that say that they are “really laid back” and like to “watch movies and chill.”  I am looking for someone with drive, with goals, self-confidence and conviction in their life. I run from the men who “hate to write about themselves.”

“I would also like someone (spell check buddy!) who likes sports, working out, jogging, UFC, football, soccer, beach valleyball.The reason I’m looking for someone with this (maybe you should try the plural these!) characteristics is because that’s how I am. So that basically describes me and what I’m looking for.”

My profile states that I used to be in gymnastics and like to rollerblade, so you wrote me because you want someone who likes UFC, football, soccer and beach volleyball (a very popular sport in snowy MN?) Not sure what the connection was that he saw. Glad to see that he is looking for someone exactly like himself. A mirror image….awesome! Since we’re on the topic of mirror images, are you looking for someone with your abs too…good luck   Sounds like you’re really open-minded, perfect!! UFC, can I just say that I hate UFC….violence for fun, not cool (even if there is talent and strategy involved.)

First Date: “I would just like to go somewhere public were we couldget to know eachother and talk…. And than go from there.”

Couldget and eachother, must add those to my vocabulary list!

Here is the message that Beast sent to me:

“Hey gorgeous. How are you doing tonight? [He sent the message at 7am...maybe he hadn’t gone to bed yet?] I really like your profile, and pics. your are [your are???] incredibly gorgeous,;) you have the most perfect smile i have ever seen in the years i have stand above this planet. [Note he doesn’t stand on this planet, he stands above it!!]  i think that might not even describe how gorgeous you are.”

Ok, beast out…. on to the next guy

We talked on the phone several times and he appeared to be very kind and genuinely cared about people.  He was also working on his Masters program. There is nothing more attractive to me than I guy who puts value in his education.  Nerdy is hot in my book!! I was still leery about the age. Did I really want to be with someone who was retiring 10 years before me? What if he died 10 years before me and I would be left alone the last 10 years of my life?! (These are the kind of thoughts that go through my mind when I think about age differences!) After several successful conversations, we decided we would meet.

We got together to walk around Como Lake. What can be better than an expectation free walk around the lake….especially on a beautiful summer day.  During this walk, I found out many things about him that were red flags to me. He was divorced, but I he was living with his ex-wife’s parents. Who does that? I mean, I can understand that he has two kids with her and needed some support to get back on his feet after the divorce….but living with his ex’s parents? That is a “no no”!  He obviously saw my shock and felt the need to explain himself.

During the explanation, a 2^nd red flag popped up….a HUGE red flag. He had been in the country a few years and went to a party with one of his friends. While at this party, he met a girl. Since it was a college party, he assumed she was at least college age. He started seeing her and never had the idea to ask how old she was. Don’t most people always ask how old someone is? Or am I just weird?  I think the fact that she lived with her parents would be a big clue that you should being up the topic of age!!! Well, he eventually fell in love with her and asked her to marry him. It was then that he found out that she was only 17 and he would need her parents’ signatures in order to marry her.  Ok, hold the phone…you find out that a girl is underage and you need parent’s signatures…and you are ten years older than her? What 28-year-old (in their right mind!!) wants to marry a 17-year-old? That is jacked up if you ask me! I kept staying to him, “so you were dating an underage girl, then you found out she was underage and you still married her? Why didn’t you wait? Wasn’t the fact that you needed parental authorization a big hint that you were barking up the wrong tree?” So, to make a long story short, they got married and a few years he accepted a job managing a company overseas. They moved to this new country and shortly thereafter, she took off with the gardener.  He came back to the USA with their two kids and moved in with her parents and she is AWOL with the gardener.

I think that it would have been much more intelligent for him to start dating after finding his own place and reestablishing himself as an independent individual. (I am pretty sure his divorce wasn’t finalized either.) So we have established two red flags…1) he lives with his ex’s parents 2) he married a 17-year-old. This led to the third (and final) red flag. There were definitely more flags but this was the one where I finally decided that I did not want a second date with this guy. He asked me if I had a problem with showing public displays of affection. I explained that I saw nothing wrong with holding hands or putting your arm around the other person. In fact, I found (find) those things to be quite endearing. I did point out, however, that I am not fond of devouring someone’s face or groping them porno-style in public places.  He went on to explain how his ex never wanted to show affection in public.  He said, “I need a woman to hold my hand and kiss me in public so that people know that this is my woman”.  What? How about you would like your partner to kiss and hold your hand to show you that she loves you or physically express her affection? Why does it have to do with possession? Women are not your possession; they are a team member in a relationship of equals. I will never be someone’s property and my affection will not be used as a sign indicating who I belong to! HELL NO!!! I left this date and had made up my mind that I was never going to speak to this guy again.

I thought that was it. Done….over….no more contact.  A week later, I was sitting at my job and received a phone call that I had just received a package. I remember thinking, what? The only packages that people usually receive are flowers. Who the hell would be sending me flowers? I asked my co-worker to go with me for emotional support (don’t all women do this?) We walked over to the deliver office and sure enough, there was a bouquet of flowers with a little teddy bear.  All of a sudden in dawned on me….could this be the guy I had walked around the lake with? How did he find where I work? My LinkedIn account online lists where I work….maybe he looked me up on LinkedIn and found the address?  I read the card, “You never know, but I am hopeful.”  Sure enough, it was him. Who thinks that it is normal to send flowers to someone they have met only one time? That is a stalker if you ask me! Right? I know that I have read many guys profiles and, under the area where you describe your ideal first date, they always describe a walk on the beach or a candlelit dinner where they show up at the door with flowers. I always laughed because who does that? Flowers are not meant for first or second dates….or to send to someone’s job when they have never even told you where they work!!!  I was so embarrassed about the flowers. There was no way that I was going to bring them back to my desk and have co-workers ask me who they were from….they would want the whole story….and I didn’t want to share the whole story.  My co-worker and I decided I should hide them under the front of my car in the parking lot. It was a nice day so it wouldn’t hurt the flowers. They would be out of view so I wouldn’t get any questions.  If I forgot about them, then when I pulled away from the curb I would see them. I didn’t want to throw them away since he had spent money on them….and they smelled wonderful. I would just keep them in my house and enjoy them as a reminder that even psycho men send flowers !

“FIRST THINGS FIRST: My screen name or headline is in no way intended to offend any one, IF you are offended by it then sorry I can’t help it .  [You can't help it? Yes you can, change it!] 

I am in no way interested in fat people neither am I interested in ignorant uneducated [Isn't calling someone fat and ignorant an uneducated thing to do? And the fact that you have no college education gives you the right to call someone uneducated? WTF?] less sophisticated people. If you look at my picture you can tell I am not fat [and? so what!]]. If you give yourself time to get to know me you will find out that I am educated [You have no college education? What does this mean...you think you're smart?], sweet [how is calling people fat a sweet thing to do?], generous, sophisticated with a great job that I love. People that know me know that I am a sweet generous person [You already said you were sweet and generous in the previous sentence...are you sure that you are educated?]. I am known not to be a bitter person nor an angry one [sounds like you are both!]. I just tell things like they are. If u are known not to like that then I am sorry [I don't think you know what sorry is!].

I spend a part of my income helping people in need [giving $$ makes you sweet and generous and therefore good boyfriend material, right?] and I am known to like organizations that fight social injustices. I have been a member of the ACLU for yrs and I think they are great ppl you should also join and help them.

NEXT……………..lol [what are we lol'ing about here? Did you say something funny?]

I am not knew [educated, especially in English grammar!] to this internet thing. I spent most of my free times [grammar] online be it talking to friends or browsing some other pages of interest to me.I would rather be online than be watching TV [congratulations for having no life and spending all of your time for the last 7 years on the internet. You must be awesome!]. I have met alot of people online the past 7 years of which 90% are bunch of nobodies [You are the ignorant one if 90% of the people you meet are nobodies. You can learn something from every person that you meet...God does not make nobodies. People may need to learn and grow or mature, but that does not make them a nobody] or people that just don’t seem to get it.I am african and I have lived in the US for more than a decade more than a third of my life time [and your English is still that bad? Must be your ignorance that is stopping you from learning, growing and becoming an educated man.] I do still speak with an accent and I also come to find out that alot [a lot is two words] of nobodies that u come to meet tend to think they are better as people or superior just cuz [love the texting abbreviations!] you come from a different place. [Do you think that it's your attitude and close minded ways that make people feel this way about you?] I just don’t get it when 100% of all the ppl [save your abbreviations for texting and not for your online profile!] i have met from online are not doing better than I do [kind, generous man who is better than EVERYONE online...where do I sign up!!] and aint smarter better [aint smarter better? what?] yet most of them are sorry as**s [classy!] ppl for the most part. I just don’t know how is this measured or some one needs to help me out here [I think you're beyond help....but you definitely need it!] Don’t get me wrong I know there are alot of ppl online that are doing better than I do or smarter [you just said you're doing better than 100% of the people online?] but I haven’t met any of those yet. I can be very mean to ignorant people [sweet and generous man who is mean when necessary?] so if u don’t like that just move on to the next page. I am the sweetest you’re better than 100% of the people out there…you must be the sweetest!] most generous person in the world but i hate stupidity and ignorance. [How can you hate what you seem to be the epitome of?] Ok that said and done. Lets see what we have here..hahaha!!!!! [I'm laughing now!]

Wassup good looking smart ladies How y’all doing? [Wow, you had me at wassup and the run on sentence was the hook!] Hit me up lets talk see where this thing goes. hahaha lol
[I definitely laughed too when you said let's see where this thing goes!]

I am a sweet intelligent smart as*s [as*s.....wouldn't that be a**? What does as*s stand for? ases? asas? asos? asts? asus?] african man that just likes to have fun and meet cool intelligent ppl. [You said that you haven't met any intelligent yet, but you like meeting them?] I just love how this internet thing has turn this big ass [no stars necessary here?] world into a global village. hahaha lets have fun with it.

This boy’s ignorance is painful….sweet, intelligent and generous he is not. I am still clinging to the hope that eventually I will come across a good, kind, intelligent man who finds me the same :) Until then, on to the next date!

How do you feel about this profile? 

Four and a half hours of good conversation, laughs, great wine, good music. We’ll see if that merits a call back…. tbc

However, there was one guy who wrote me who didn’t fit the norm. He didn’t fit “my” typical norm either! 5’6″, from a country between the Middle East and Asia (not sure which one that makes him….Middle Eastern? Asian? In any case, I have decided that his code name is Aladdin), a Beastie Boys fan, cooks, has a thing for wine, has a friend who loves to sew and developed a line of snowboarding clothing (therefore doesn’t find the fact that I sew to be a turn-off)….and he has a Jewish looking fro. I love that part Anyway, not sure if there’s any chemistry there …but we’re doing it old school and meeting tonight for wine and board games.

Ending to be determined…….

“Hi Dear,
My name is XXXXX,43 years of age,I am from XXXXXXX England, I read your profile and I liked it cos you look like my Mother, I will like us to know each other better.
My email address is XXXXXXXXXXXX, u can also add me to your messenger list. I await your reply, have a nice day.
XXXXXXXX”

I look like his mother?? Seriously?

Subject: hey sweet

how are you doing? i saw your wink and never knew what to write back. how are you doing ? …..Luv richie

Are you kidding? Who uses words like luv, honey, hun, sweet or sweetie when you are never spoken with someone? I don’t know about all of you, but this is a giant RED flag for me!! Use this words and I won’t write back.  I don’t believe it’s being sweet, I believe it’s minimizing my value as a woman.

I will also bet money that someone wrote his Match profile for him. The person who sent the above message, with no punctuation and incorrect verb tenses, is definitely not the person who wrote the competent profile that caught my attention. This wouldn’t surprise me though…..some of my guy friends have mentioned to me that they search the online profiles for other men, find a profile that is well written and interesting, and copy it as their own profile. Common trend among unoriginal, poorly spoken, lame and uneducated men….. 

So sorry hun…aka richie…. this sweetie is not interested… xoxo